


Misunderstood

by Kabella



Series: Endurance [4]
Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019)
Genre: Alone, Angst, Flatline, Freedom, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Journal, Left out, M/M, day 110 of 108, release
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:47:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24613267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kabella/pseuds/Kabella
Summary: Tommy is released from jail.He doesn't tell Nikki.Nikki tries to express his feelings to Tommy in his own way. There's misunderstanding in how it's received.Tommy is trying though; at least he tells himself he is.
Relationships: Tommy Lee/Nikki Sixx
Series: Endurance [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1902748
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14





	Misunderstood

**Author's Note:**

> Even though my last post was Babykills, this chapter picks up from Uncle Jack, as Babykills was just an alternative ending. Keep that in mind. Things ended with hope at the end of Babykills. They haven't gotten to that point yet in Uncle Jack. Tommy kicked Nikki off of visitation in jail and they haven't seen nor spoken to each other since.

Release day from jail finally came; about 2 weeks earlier than expected for good behavior. Tommy’s friend came and picked him up to bring him home to his empty house, mostly cleared out by his wife. The drummer wanted nothing more than a hot shower, and his bed… for about 500 days. He doesn’t bother calling Nikki or anyone associated with the band. His family knows, of course his wife knows, and the friend who brought him home. That was fine by him. He wasn’t ready to have personal interactions back in his life. There was a lot to think about and process.

\--------------------

It was 3 days later when Nikki found out that Tommy had been released. He didn’t know. He was aware that it was supposed to happen soon, but figured that someone would get word to him, even Tommy himself. No, instead he finds out because a mutual friend was invited to come over to Tommy's place. Not by the drummer himself, but by his friend who was trying to bring Tommy back to life with a friendly little celebration last night. Why wasn’t Nikki invited? Why didn’t Tommy let him know?

Nikki feels nothing but hurt and disappointment; all of these other people knew about Tommy's release before he did. The past several weeks, since his last visit to the jail was cut short, were void and painful. Nikki waited for days, then weeks for Tommy to call him and explain. He wasn’t even looking for an apology, just an acknowledgment. Something to say, hey I was having a bad day or even just explaining that seeing the bassist was too difficult, but they’ll reconnect afterwards. No such call ever came. Not only was it the rejection that hurt, it was also not being able to see Tommy and to be kept on top of how he was doing. Athena was the only one who called Nikki with updates. There were no more personal messages from Tommy, but at least she could tell him some informational bits about his general well-being.

To Nikki, he was suddenly being exterminated completely from Tommy’s life. Whereas a few months earlier, they were inseparable, and living their best lives; their secret relationship hidden from everyone else for years, but more vivid and real than anything among the two. Full of love, life, laughs, and sex. All gone…. Just like that. Nikki can’t handle it. Tommy was his first love, having nothing but meaningless, drug-fueled relationships beforehand. What started out as two musicians clicking with their interest, quickly turned to best friends, then best friends willing to do just about anything for a good time. Good times turning into infatuation and passion. Passion turning into love. Love so deep that they could only come to the conclusion that they were soulmates, designed for one another. Now…. in the blink of an eye, it all turned to dust. Nikki left with a groaning in his soul, alone now.

In typical Nikki fashion, he journaled during Tommy’s jail sentence, everyday, pouring his feelings out onto paper; a special journal separate and hidden away from his others. Unwilling to just lay down and let it die without a fight, Nikki decided that he’d send his journal to Tommy. He just wants him to know how much he loves him. Maybe Tommy is just struggling to face Nikki, thinking that the bassist would shut him out or turn him away. Tommy will have no doubts about where Nikki’s heart is at. 

He wraps it up, and places it in a manila envelope. A personal drop-off to Tommy’s mailbox was best; he didn’t want to risk the package getting lost in the mail and ending up in the wrong hands.

\-------------------------

By late afternoon, Tommy’s friend, who’s been staying overnight for a time, brought the mail in.

“Here, mail," he says, handing the stack of letters to Tommy. "Looks like a bunch of fucking bills and legal bullshit. You also got something that looks like it’s from Nikki. No postage. He must have dropped it off,” the friend says, handing the manila envelope over to Tommy.

The drummer’s heart drops upon hearing Nikki’s name, and now holding something from him that’s been personally dropped off. He was here. “Thanks,” is all Tommy can say, putting the package aside.

“Don’t you want to see what it is? Maybe new music? Hopefully not some lengthy-ass legal document regarding the band.”

“I’ll look later. I think I might take a nap in a little bit. I just feel tired today,” Tommy replies, not daring to open anything from Nikki in front of his friend. Whatever it is, good or bad, will most likely trigger an emotional response.

“What’s up with you two? Want me to call him over?” the friend inquires.

“We’re good, man. I just need sometime before jumping back into band stuff,” Tommy lies. if his friend only knew about his history with Nikki. He doesn't know. Nobody does.

“I hear ya.”

“I think that I might go lay down now,” Tommy says, taking the envelope with him.

“OK. I’ll get some dinner a little later. Want anything in particular?”

“No, man. Get whatever. Thanks,” the drummer says, walking towards the stairs.

Tommy gets to his room, closes the door and locks it. He sits on his bed, the package on his lap. He’s nervous about opening it. He’s not sure what he can handle at this point. He puts it to his side and turns the TV on for a distraction. Only he can’t stop thinking about what’s in there, and what Nikki is trying to communicate.

Tommy had weeks to think about what happened between him and Nikki at that jail visit. Even so, he was never able to come up with a definitive reason about why he said what he said. He knows that Nikki’s presence was grating on him. Really no fault of Nikki’s, but everything seems just so fake and contrived that there was no point of him being there. They couldn’t be real, and shallowness with each other was something that was new and uncomfortable. Again, not Nikki’s fault. Tommy was being watched; their conversations recorded; letters opened and inspected. None of their true feelings able to be revealed in that place. 

The other thing is that Nikki is his happy spot, his escape. But not even that could rescue Tommy from where he’s been brought. He doesn’t want to taint any of what they had with this new pile of shit that he has to deal with. He knows that Nikki still deals with his own shit pile, and Tommy doesn’t want to add to it. Nikki is too much of an empath at times. Maybe not in general, but certainly in the drummer’s life, often dwelling on things, to the point it can disrupt his own flow. Tommy cannot bring Nikki into this turmoil. He’s afraid it might kill the bassist, probably because it almost did kill Tommy, and might still be lurking in the shadows to attack again. 

Under any other circumstances, Tommy couldn’t imagine letting Nikki go. They’re nearly bound together by an invisible force, but the drummer is so damaged psychologically that he’s gotta build a protective wall around Nikki to prevent the now perverse and corrupt force from glomming onto Nikki’s soul. 

\--The TV is on, but Tommy can’t focus, he has to open the envelope. His heart is pounding in his throat. No matter what it is, good or bad. It was touched by Nikki, just today. He can still barely get over the fact that he was here, maybe just 75 feet away, at the mailbox. He takes a deep breath and pulls the contents out with shaky hands. He starts to shudder when he sees that it’s one of Nikki’s notebooks. He uses them for journaling. But he also uses them for musical inspiration. Maybe these are just songs. Tommy opens the notebook.

_May 20, 1998 - Day 1_

_I think that I might just die today; feeling ripped away from my better half. I don’t know how I’m going to do this….._

There’s more, but Tommy stops reading for a moment to flip through the rest of the notebook. He briefly reads the first line or two of the pages he lands on.

_Day 3_

_I can’t sleep. I’d do anything to be able to lie next to Tommy right now. I want to protect him….._

_Day 7_

_One fucking week. Worst week of my life…._

_Day 12_

_I can’t stop crying today…..._

_Day 15_

_I smiled today for the first time. I got to see you…._

_Day 27_

_I can’t breath..._

_Day29_

_My heart is broken. You looked so sad today…._

_Day 42_

_Polished off a bottle today. Having a hard time coping…._

_Day 50_

_I can tell you’re hurting. I’ll put my life on hold to help you heal…._

_Day 58_

_I think that I need to lie and say that I have to travel. I just need to get away, even to a hotel. I can’t stop crying. My heart is shattered….._

_Day 64_

_I didn’t visit you today, as requested. I just want to see you…._

_Day 73_

_I pray that you’re alright. I don’t pray, but I am now…._

_Day 79_

_Please just call me. I need you….._

_Day 88_

_My wife can’t stand to be around me lately. I just can’t care right now though….._

_Day 91_

_Can someone just shoot me, please…._

_Day 96_

_I’ll never stop loving you..._

_Day 103_

_Please don’t abandon me…._

_Day 110_

_I can’t wait to hug you. I just hope you want to see me…._

Tommy stopped reading. That last entry, stabs him. He served 108 days. Nikki didn’t even know that he was already home by Day 110. Tommy's tears were spilling all over before he even opened the notebook. This is too emotional. He’s not certain if he can even read the full entries. It’s just pages and pages of Nikki pouring his heart out; all because of him, and he doesn’t deserve it.

Tommy knows that he’s going to have to face Nikki soon. He just isn’t sure how he’s going to handle it. Nikki is better off without him. Tommy’s been corrupted, and forever changed. He lies down on his bed, and cries for the next hour, holding the notebook close.

\-----------------------

Over the next 2 days, Tommy was eventually able to read through Nikki’s journal entries. It put him in a very conflicting position. While he knows at some point he’d have to come face to face with Nikki due to band business, he knows that he needs to visit him much sooner. Tommy’s distance and silence is anything but love, and he knows it. He loves Nikki. He loves him like no other, but he just isn’t sure if he can be around him. There’s too much darkness brewing in his head. But true love isn’t about self; it’s been selfless, and he knows that Nikki needs him. 

Nikki’s journal entries were a mix of love and despair, but crystal clear in letting his affections for the drummer known. Tommy has decided that he’s going to see him today, once he works up the nerve. He gets into his car by mid-afternoon. He doesn’t tell Nikki that he’s coming over, so that he can safely chicken out if he needs to. 

Seeing Nikki’s house as he approaches causes him to panic, and he continues around the block, twice. Finally on this 3rd approach, he sees a car pulling out of the driveway. It’s Donna. Tommy waves her down, and she stops the car. He gets out and approaches her window. 

“Tommy. It’s so good to see you,” Donna says, with a smile on her face.

“Same. Um, is Nikki home?”

“Yeah. He’s in the backyard. That’s where he spends time. I think he’ll be happy to see you. He’s not been himself. I--” Donna stops herself, not wanting to reveal any marital issues to Tommy. “I’ll let you in. You can go to the back door. He’s alone. His kids are with their mom today. I’m heading out with my son,” Donna says, backing her car up. She gets out and opens the door for Tommy.

Tommy pulls into the driveway, then follows Nikki’s wife to the door. “Thanks. Good to see you,” Tommy says, with a forced smile.

“I’ll see you around,” Donna replies, giving him a quick hug, then leaving.

Tommy found that to be awkward. His wife and Donna are friends. He’s sure that if it comes to taking sides, the girls will stick together. He doesn’t plan on being around Donna much.

Tommy steps into the house, and closes the door behind him. He walks towards the back of the house, looking out the windows before going out the french doors. He doesn’t see Nikki from the windows. He opens the door and steps out, there’s no sign of Nikki, so he starts walking the perimeter of the yard; finally coming to a vantage point where he can see Nikki sitting behind the shed in a lawn chair. He’s not doing anything. Just sitting. Tommy starts the walk over towards Nikki, his heart pounding in his ears, a knot in his stomach.

Out of the corner of his eye, Nikki sees feet coming towards him. He knows whose feet they are. His heart drops fast, his breathing unsteady. He does not look up.

“Nikki?”

Nikki doesn’t look up.

“Your wife told me you were out here. I saw her before she left.”

Nikki doesn’t respond, still looking downward.

“I wanted to bring this back to you,” Tommy says, holding out the journal.

Nikki is crushed. He didn’t expect that back. He snatches abruptly from Tommy’s hand, gets up and takes a few steps; avoiding eye contact with Tommy. He throws the notebook into the nearby trash can and walks towards his house.

Tommy wasn’t expecting that reaction. He pulled the journal out of the trash, and starts to follow. “Nikki! Wait!”

“At least you could have pretended that it meant something to you!! Could’ve fucking throw it out in your own garbage!!” Nikki screams, not bothering to turn around to look at Tommy.

“I never said that it didn’t mean anything to me. I read it, and I thought that you might want it back. I know you keep your journals.”

“I don’t want it. It was for you,” Nikki says, opening the door.

“Nikki please, can we just talk?” Tommy was hesitant to visit Nikki. But now that he’s here, he can’t bring himself to walk away, even though Nikki is presenting an opportunity for him to do just so.

“I’ll make this easy for you,” Nikki says, turning around at the door, still avoiding Tommy’s eyes. “I already know what you came here to say, so just rip the fucking bandaid off, already. You don’t want me anymore. I fucking, got it. Can’t hurt me much more than you already have. ”

“That’s not true. That’s not--”

“What is true then? Because the facts are, you didn’t want to see me anymore. No contact. You don’t call. You didn’t bother to let me know when you were released. You wait six days before even saying something. You shove my words back in my face. You suggested that I drive off of a cliff. I’m not stupid. I finally got the hint.”

“Nikki, it’s complicated. Jailed fucked me up. I need--”

“We’re complicated? Well, that’s funny, because I saw a media picture of you, taken yesterday with your wife. The person who put you in the fucking slammer!”

“We have kids together. I was seeing my kids.”

“Yeah, with her arm around your waist and a big fucking grin plastered on your face. That’s all good and OK and uncomplicated in your book. But me, the person who only wanted to try to love you and support you through all of this, nooo, it’s so hard to figure out.”

“It’s complicated because I love you.”

“Makes sense. Our relationship is off to a great start. First step, make me feel like the shittiest person on earth. Next step, rub in my face that everyone else is more important. Third step, fuck off!” Nikki screams, as he turns back towards the door.

Tommy starts crying. “Nikki, can I please try to explain,” he weeps, taking hold of Nikki’s wrist; their first touch since the day he was taken off to jail for his sentence.

“Don’t touch me.”

Tommy drops his hand. “Please don’t walk away.”

Nikki stops. He wants to walk away. He feels betrayed. But, he can’t. He still loves Tommy, and actually doesn’t find any satisfaction in the drummer’s pain. “Help me to understand, then,” Nikki sighs, sitting down on a step.

Tommy sits on the step next to him, but not touching, respecting Nikki’s request not to be touched. He lights up, offering a cigarette to Nikki by holding the pack out. Nikki shakes his head no.

After a long exhale, “Jail fucked me up. I’m still fucked up from it. I can’t explain it to you, Nikki. It was like a psychological experiment meant to break me, and it worked. I’m broken. None of it has anything to do with you. I just wasn’t in the right mind to give, and especially to receive love. You dwelled in my heart the whole time though, but I couldn’t act outwardly with it. It’s hard for me to explain. I don’t even understand myself sometimes. I’m sorry that I let it affect us. I let it win on turning me into a worthless piece of shit. Hurting you. I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry.”

Nikki can’t help but to draw Tommy in for an embrace. The drummer leans in on Nikki’s chest, and cries. Nikki holds him, burying his face in Tommy’s hair, crying too. He can feel Tommy trembling.

“Nikki, I love you,” Tommy whispers into his chest, flicking the lit cigarette onto the pavers.

“I love you,” Nikki replies back, breathing in Tommy’s scent.

Tommy closes his eyes comforted by the sound of Nikki’s heartbeat; the most treasured sound to him, since that one day that it stopped beating, over 10 years ago, replaced by the sound of a flatline. 

“Can we take things slow?” Tommy asks.

“Whatever you need. I’ll love you through it all.”

“Please, don’t ask me about jail. I’ll share in my own time,” Tommy says, relaxing into Nikki’s steady chest. The bassist’s oversized hands feeling like a security blanket; keeping him safe from all of the things that can hurt him; his ex-wife, jail wardens, the press, inmates, loneliness, mental anguish, and suicide. Tommy focuses on Nikki’s warm body, protective hands, and that cherished beating heart. 

“I won’t. Just know I’m here for you. I missed you so much.”

Tommy resolves that he’d go through everything again if he had to, as a trade-off, just to keep the lifeblood flowing through Nikki. It’s the only way he can reconcile his anguish. He’s still hesitant about jumping back in with him. He wasn’t sure how today would go. He knows now that they need each other; the love, the security, the familiarity. But right now, he’s relieved that the bassist can’t see his eyes; empty, lifeless, the passageway into the depths of torment and suffering, void; a flatline. 

  
  



End file.
